Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Wonderful Wednesdays-A Song

On the way home from work one day, I heard this song by Laura Story. I've sang the chorus before without really listening to the words. Until Sunday, that is. I sat in the car and listened. Really listened. Here are the lyrics:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Wow. I really had to think about this song, think about what I felt in regards to the lyrics. Please understand that while I write this, I am in no way saying God makes bad things happen. He allows things to happen, yes. But He doesn't make them. So, for me, this song took on a different meaning.
You see, I suffer from anxiety. It's just the plain and simple truth. It's something I really think I've struggled with most of my life. I don't know when it began. I just knew it started at a young age. I don't know why it happens. It just does.
As I listened to these words, I found myself knowing what she's singing about. I've prayed for God's healing in this area of my life. I've prayed for God's mighty hand to ease my suffering. I've cried in anger when I didn't feel God near me during this rough patch of my life. I've felt darkness winning in my battle.
But then, the pain I go through reminds me this is not my home. I still struggle with anxiety and the guilt that's weighed me down like a heavy cloak. I don't believe God made me go through this. I don't believe God's love isn't there, seeing me through. No. I believe God's allowed this to happen to remind me this isn't my home.
I used to fear heaven, leaving this world and my family, who I love with all my heart. But I love God more. As I go through this trying time and learn how to deal with it, I'm reminded, and longing for, a new body when I leave this world.
If this is the worst I have to go through right now, I'm ok with it. Not to say anxiety isn't hard. It is. Not just on me, but on those around me who watch me suffer and don't know what to do to help me. But I don't know what it's like to go through the pain of losing a child, a spouse. I can't even pretend to comprehend any of that. I'm not sharing this song to point the way to anyone, but to say, after much thought, I'm still processing this song. I see what she's saying. It's just taking a while to sink in. Ever feel that way? Anyway, I'm thankful for this song. It's caused me to stop, think, ponder, and search my weary soul. Thoughts?

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